The Dance

My heart is really heavy and sad at the moment but it isn't a bad heavy.  No, it is more like a reflection of what my life has been about for the past 45 years.  The Dance by Garth Brooks really represents my life.  Please really listen to this song and I think alot of you will come to realize how true these words are pertaining to decisions of one's life.

I will admit that I have made some whopper of mistakes that go back to when I was 3 years old and trying to run away from home.  Yes, my daddy has a picture of me trying to run away from home when I was three.  Is there anything about my life that I regret?  Well, yes there is!  Two things; divorcing my second husband and getting mixed up with a pyscho path of an ex-boyfriend who is sitting in jail.  I am not going to go into that story except to say a court case is pending and I don't want to say or do anything that will jeopardize it.  However, I am going to talk about my second marriage.  I had stated earlier in a blog that I had loved twice.  Well, truth be told I lied!  What a minute don't get in a huff!  Let me explain!  I loved my first husband.  In fact, I will always love him because you see he gave me two beautiful children that no one else could have given me.  I will always be grateful to him for giving me something so precious!  I thank my lucky stars that he is the father of my children.  So without further ado......let's discuss my second marriage!


I gave something to my second husband that I didn't give to the first. What is it you ask?  I gave him my heart of hearts.  The love I felt for him and still do hasn't diminished since the divorce. We have been divorced for over a year and all I can say that I tried moving on but no matter what I do or think, I always come back to thinking about him and the undying love I feel.   I can honestly say that I know what TRUE LOVE is and that is giving your whole heart, the heart of hearts, to that person. That piece of me that I gave him will never be given to anyone else. I already gave it to him.   I think you can love again but not a TRUE TRUE LOVE.  I think what happens is people think once they are divorced they think they will find the next Mr. or Mrs. Right, or the grass is greener on the over side, etc.  What I am finding out during this so called thing called dating is the grass isn't greener and what was RIGHT can't be replaced.  You see I don't think you can replace TRUE LOVE.  I think what gets replaced is a poor imitation copy of what you want.  You wake up one day and realize that you settled for something that isn't TRUE LOVE. 

I look back at our marriage and you know it worked when nobody was messing with it. I really messed up with this marriage.  I take full responsibility for its failure.  You see I let too many people and my pride stand in the way of this marriage being successful.  Yep, we had people always messing with it.  We let other people or I should say, I let other people dictate my relationship with him.  That was so wrong of me.  I didn't fight hard enough for it.  I just gave up to the pressure of family and friends.  I learned a valuable lesson during this year and that is do not let anyone talk you into doing something that you know is wrong. Do not let them dictate how you are going to live your life.  Do not let them take control of your life.  I know from this past year that I will no longer live in fear or repercussions if I don't follow someones advice or do what they want me to do.  It is my life and I am going to live it the way I want to!  Screw everybody else!  They need to worry about their own life and stay out of mine! 

Why am I failing at dating?   You see, I believe you are given one shot at TRUE LOVE.  Once you give your whole heart to that person then no one else will ever have it.  You won't feel the same about love.  Don't get me wrong, I think you can love again but it will be a different kind of love.   I think it will be more of a caring friendship type love. Settling for the person you can live with versus the person you can't live without.  You know after careful consideration, I really don't want to settle.  However, nobody wants to be alone.  I don't. At the moment, I just want my true love back.  Is it possible?  Parts of me wishes it was and give myself hope but I am too much of a realist. Do I deserve another chance at this relationship?  I screwed up!  I don't deserve another chance to make things right.    However,  I would give up my PUG for another chance but you know what (had to put in some humor)? It isn't up to me.  I wish I could go back in time and take away all of our hurts, etc.  However, I can't!  The only thing I can do is pray for guidance and strength to help me sort out all of my feelings and maybe, just maybe eventually move on.

I am a different person now when we were married.  I am much more open, positive, and a heck alot more communicative.  I think I am a better person than what I was a 5 years, 3 years and even a 1 year ago.  I have a lot more compassion and put more thought into my actions.  I try not to hurt people and try to be encouraging to those less fortunate.  However, if he and I didn't divorce I wouldn't be who I am today. I wonder sometimes if this was God's plan.    I just wish he could see the changes in me and give me another shot. Don't worry, I am not about to go throw myself at him or in front of a train.  No, it isn't about pride!  What it is about is giving someone the space to sort through their feelings without any added pressure.  Yes, I have told him how I feel about him.  I really felt relived when I told him.  Now it is up to him to figure it out.  Will I wait around the house, cry, sulk, etc?  No, life goes on and I will go on with it.  No, that doesn't mean I am back out in the dating world.  Nope, it means I will keep doing what I have always been doing.  Working on my house, spending time with the kids, charity work, attending social events ( I do have quite a few of those), etc.

This was a tough blog to write.  I really debated writing it but I had to get these feelings out in the open.  Help myself heal, I guess.  I don't know.  All I know for sure is I want more than anything in the world is for him to be happy.  I know what you thinking what about your happiness?  Well, I am happy with my life.  I have great friends and a family that loves me.  I have my charity work and of course the PUG!  I just hope that if he does find the right girl that she realizes what a gem she has on her hands!  I  finally did but I am a day late and a dollar short as the saying goes!

Getting back to the title of the blog, I could have missed the pain but I didn't want to miss THE DANCE!
Ciao,
Spyderrenee

PS-This is a somewhat sad blog but I still have more dating stories to publish!  I may not be dating at the moment but I do have archives to share!