Crossroads of Reality and Perception of Dating

I hope everyone had a great weekend.  My weekend was great!  I did a lot of thinking and reflection on dating, love, and most importantly what is really important to me and to achieve it! Anyway, onto today's topic!  Reality and Perception of Dating!

What does that actually mean?  Well, I was taking a day trip with a friend and we were talking about dating all the ups and downs!  I think as we get older and are either divorced, single or widowed there comes a time where we decide it is time to get out in the world and start looking for our next relationship.   We set these expectations that the first person we encounter is the right person for us!  We have been searching for this person all our life and they fit the bill for our next partner.  Well, let me tell what happens when reality of dating and the perception  of dating clash with each other!

First, is the emailing phase.  We ask the what do you do for a living, how are you, how many kids do you have, what is your favorite football team, do you like sports, what movies do you like, what is your favorite music, etc, etc etc.  Second, is the phone calls.  You talk on the phone and the conversations are really extensions of what you have been asking in email.  You are just confirming their answers.  Somewhere down the line you decide to ask that person to meet for coffee.  Okay here is the tricky part when reality and perception clash!  Third, you do meet and what sounded good in email and on the phone doesn't quite meet up with your expectation.  Meeting a person face to face and watching their body language and finally asking those tough questions makes you realize that your perception of dating just clashed with reality!  Yep, what looked good on paper doesn't look or sound so good in public! 

How so you ask?  Well, for starters maybe the person you have been communicating with hasn't really explained their whole marital drama.  You start asking some probing questions about why they are single or divorce and you realize this person has some issues with their ex.  Or you could be discussing politics.  Politics is a hot topic to discuss.  The person stated on their profile they were middle of the road but truth be told they are a Democrat and you are a Republican.  Now should that stop you from cultivating a relationship?  Well, I am of the opinion that somewhere down the road that could cause some problems in the relationship.  Or maybe that person starts to reveal much more of themselves and you realize that you are playing therapist to help them with their problem.  Their profile stated they were ready and willing to date but in all honestly, there is to many unresolved issues from their past relationships.  My favorite is when someone is stating they are ready to date and when it comes down to it, they don't have the time nor do they want to put in any effort.  You are the one making the effort, starting to feel something for them when all of sudden they don't have the time for dating.  You walk away hurt, confused and wondering why am I dating.  Yes, this is when it hits you; your idea or perception of dating just clashed with REALITY!  It hurts and you start to question yourself and everyone around you when it comes to the matters of the heart!

Let's think about the last two sentences for a moment!  We started dating feeling good about ourselves and went into with the best intentions.  We put our best foot forward!  Now all of a sudden when reality clashed with our perception of dating, we start to question ourselves.  Are we a whole person?  Are we happy and content with ourself?  Maybe we aren't cut out for dating?  Maybe it is us? Maybe we are the one not ready to date? Maybe we need to slow it down and regroup?  Maybe we just need to go into therapy ourselves because something isn't right?  No! Nope!  Nada! Blah ! Blah! Blah! 

What it truly is we allowed ourselves to get suckered into their drama, their problems, etc, etc!  We allow ourselves to start thinking their is something wrong with us because we resolved our baggage, issues, etc.  We are different than most because we are  a happy and whole individual!  The person we went on a few dates with all the baggage someway managed to control or manipulate us into reevaluating how we feel about ourselves.  I think if you go on a date with someone and you have one red flag then you have two options; (1) you can either discuss the red flag with that person, or (2) just simply thank them for the date, tell them you didn't feel a connection and simply walk away.  Personally, I have pretty much been using #2 in my dating life.  I am not going to start second guessing myself nor think I am in the same boat as these individuals. 

I am damn happy and content with my life.  No, my life isn't perfect!  However, I am not going to change my outlook or philosophy on life to suit someone else.  This is who I am!  Either take me or leave me just don't try to put your drama in my life.  I am not a therapist nor am I your mother, sister, etc.  I am an adult woman who is has fully identified what she wants and who the person she wants to be!  I have also identified the key components of my next partner and I will not, let me repeat will not compromise those standards.  I am a terrific Mom, good daughter and hopefully someday be in a committed relationship with someone who compliments me! 

I had stated in my last blog, The Dance, how much I truly love my ex-husband. Nope, I haven't changed my mind about that!  I do truly love him.  However, I do have to face my perception and reality of our situation.  My perception is we get back together, however, I have to face reality that it might not happen.  Will I fall apart?  No, I won't!  You see that is the part of me that I like!  I am happy, independent, and strong woman who knows that life goes on even if you are not with the one you love!

Ciao,
Spyderrenee