FAITH AND DATING..........

I hope everyone had a great week and life didn't throw you any lemons!!   Well, if life does throw you some lemons just make lemonade!  I am happy to report my car mechanic was able to get my car in and get it fixed!  I am so grateful a friend of mine let me borrow a vehicle while mine is the shop!  So without further ado, let's talk about today's topic, FAITH AND DATING!

I am very happy and content with myself!  I just can't seem to stress that enough about myself.  I have really grown as a person over the past few months or should say the last year.  I do believe the change can only be attributed to one thing! One thing only and that is my increase FAITH in God, Our Heavenly Father!  I don't think I would be where I am at emotionally or physically without my growing FAITH and my growing desire to learn more about the Bible.  Most of you are wondering what does FAITH, happiness and contentment have to do with one's dating or a relationship for that matter.  Well, I did some research on what really makes a relationship or dating successful and you want to know what the number one answer that I found?  FAITH and Happiness with one's self! 

All the research I read stated the number one reason for successful relationships and dating is being happy, content with yourself and having FAITH.  Knowing your FAITH can take you places! Knowing your FAITH is your best support network and guidance in this life! Knowing you are in a good place!  Knowing you are not dependent on someone to make you happy!  Knowing all your past baggage issues have been dealt with and have been packed away for good! Knowing that no matter what you are a survivor and that you hold the key to your own happiness.  Knowing that you know what you want in a partner and will not compromise your standards! Knowing that you are comfortable in your own skin!  Most importantly, YOU ARE HAPPY, CONTENTED WITH YOUR LIFE, HAVE STRONG FAITH AND YOU ARE THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS!

I think the reason why some people are on dating websites for quite some time is because they are searching for the one person to make them happy!  Yep, that's right!  They are searching for their happiness instead of working on it own their own!  They need someone to make them happy, give them encouragement, give them a purpose.  I wonder what would happen if these same people turned to their FAITH for support and encouragement versus searching for Mr. or Mrs. Right.  Would they attract the right individual?

I have dated some attractive men but the attraction quickly wore off when they started talking about their baggage, their hurts, past relationships, etc.  I felt during these encounters that my happiness for myself was being sucked out!  It was like listening to their problems and issues, I was being brought down to their level of unhappiness.  You know how the saying goes, "Misery loves company!"  I for one don't want to be with that type of company! I know when I questioned them about their FAITH that most of them had a blank look on their face.  The look that says what does FAITH have to do it?  I think what most people don't realize that God has tremendous power to heal us from all afflictions.  Just a thought but maybe if everyone turned to God to heal them from their baggage then maybe just maybe the right relationship will come along!

I know if I didn't have such a strong FAITH and belief in God that I do not think I would be at where I am today!  Truth be told, I write in a prayer journal everyday and pour out my heart's desires, troubles, feelings, etc.  I always come away after writing in my journal so much better and calmer about  my life.  It is almost like as I write the answers to my questions or problems suddenly appear.  I really feel that I truly receive God's direction for me.  I owe my emotional and physical health  to the Almighty!  I know no matter what is happening in my life, the one constant companion/partner is God. 

So in a nutshell, I have decided to let my FAITH guide me in any future relationship!  What does that mean? I tell  you what it means, instead of doing online dating, I am going to use my FAITH to find my partner! 

Ciao,
Spyderrenee

Crossroads of Reality and Perception of Dating

I hope everyone had a great weekend.  My weekend was great!  I did a lot of thinking and reflection on dating, love, and most importantly what is really important to me and to achieve it! Anyway, onto today's topic!  Reality and Perception of Dating!

What does that actually mean?  Well, I was taking a day trip with a friend and we were talking about dating all the ups and downs!  I think as we get older and are either divorced, single or widowed there comes a time where we decide it is time to get out in the world and start looking for our next relationship.   We set these expectations that the first person we encounter is the right person for us!  We have been searching for this person all our life and they fit the bill for our next partner.  Well, let me tell what happens when reality of dating and the perception  of dating clash with each other!

First, is the emailing phase.  We ask the what do you do for a living, how are you, how many kids do you have, what is your favorite football team, do you like sports, what movies do you like, what is your favorite music, etc, etc etc.  Second, is the phone calls.  You talk on the phone and the conversations are really extensions of what you have been asking in email.  You are just confirming their answers.  Somewhere down the line you decide to ask that person to meet for coffee.  Okay here is the tricky part when reality and perception clash!  Third, you do meet and what sounded good in email and on the phone doesn't quite meet up with your expectation.  Meeting a person face to face and watching their body language and finally asking those tough questions makes you realize that your perception of dating just clashed with reality!  Yep, what looked good on paper doesn't look or sound so good in public! 

How so you ask?  Well, for starters maybe the person you have been communicating with hasn't really explained their whole marital drama.  You start asking some probing questions about why they are single or divorce and you realize this person has some issues with their ex.  Or you could be discussing politics.  Politics is a hot topic to discuss.  The person stated on their profile they were middle of the road but truth be told they are a Democrat and you are a Republican.  Now should that stop you from cultivating a relationship?  Well, I am of the opinion that somewhere down the road that could cause some problems in the relationship.  Or maybe that person starts to reveal much more of themselves and you realize that you are playing therapist to help them with their problem.  Their profile stated they were ready and willing to date but in all honestly, there is to many unresolved issues from their past relationships.  My favorite is when someone is stating they are ready to date and when it comes down to it, they don't have the time nor do they want to put in any effort.  You are the one making the effort, starting to feel something for them when all of sudden they don't have the time for dating.  You walk away hurt, confused and wondering why am I dating.  Yes, this is when it hits you; your idea or perception of dating just clashed with REALITY!  It hurts and you start to question yourself and everyone around you when it comes to the matters of the heart!

Let's think about the last two sentences for a moment!  We started dating feeling good about ourselves and went into with the best intentions.  We put our best foot forward!  Now all of a sudden when reality clashed with our perception of dating, we start to question ourselves.  Are we a whole person?  Are we happy and content with ourself?  Maybe we aren't cut out for dating?  Maybe it is us? Maybe we are the one not ready to date? Maybe we need to slow it down and regroup?  Maybe we just need to go into therapy ourselves because something isn't right?  No! Nope!  Nada! Blah ! Blah! Blah! 

What it truly is we allowed ourselves to get suckered into their drama, their problems, etc, etc!  We allow ourselves to start thinking their is something wrong with us because we resolved our baggage, issues, etc.  We are different than most because we are  a happy and whole individual!  The person we went on a few dates with all the baggage someway managed to control or manipulate us into reevaluating how we feel about ourselves.  I think if you go on a date with someone and you have one red flag then you have two options; (1) you can either discuss the red flag with that person, or (2) just simply thank them for the date, tell them you didn't feel a connection and simply walk away.  Personally, I have pretty much been using #2 in my dating life.  I am not going to start second guessing myself nor think I am in the same boat as these individuals. 

I am damn happy and content with my life.  No, my life isn't perfect!  However, I am not going to change my outlook or philosophy on life to suit someone else.  This is who I am!  Either take me or leave me just don't try to put your drama in my life.  I am not a therapist nor am I your mother, sister, etc.  I am an adult woman who is has fully identified what she wants and who the person she wants to be!  I have also identified the key components of my next partner and I will not, let me repeat will not compromise those standards.  I am a terrific Mom, good daughter and hopefully someday be in a committed relationship with someone who compliments me! 

I had stated in my last blog, The Dance, how much I truly love my ex-husband. Nope, I haven't changed my mind about that!  I do truly love him.  However, I do have to face my perception and reality of our situation.  My perception is we get back together, however, I have to face reality that it might not happen.  Will I fall apart?  No, I won't!  You see that is the part of me that I like!  I am happy, independent, and strong woman who knows that life goes on even if you are not with the one you love!

Ciao,
Spyderrenee

The Dance

My heart is really heavy and sad at the moment but it isn't a bad heavy.  No, it is more like a reflection of what my life has been about for the past 45 years.  The Dance by Garth Brooks really represents my life.  Please really listen to this song and I think alot of you will come to realize how true these words are pertaining to decisions of one's life.

I will admit that I have made some whopper of mistakes that go back to when I was 3 years old and trying to run away from home.  Yes, my daddy has a picture of me trying to run away from home when I was three.  Is there anything about my life that I regret?  Well, yes there is!  Two things; divorcing my second husband and getting mixed up with a pyscho path of an ex-boyfriend who is sitting in jail.  I am not going to go into that story except to say a court case is pending and I don't want to say or do anything that will jeopardize it.  However, I am going to talk about my second marriage.  I had stated earlier in a blog that I had loved twice.  Well, truth be told I lied!  What a minute don't get in a huff!  Let me explain!  I loved my first husband.  In fact, I will always love him because you see he gave me two beautiful children that no one else could have given me.  I will always be grateful to him for giving me something so precious!  I thank my lucky stars that he is the father of my children.  So without further ado......let's discuss my second marriage!


I gave something to my second husband that I didn't give to the first. What is it you ask?  I gave him my heart of hearts.  The love I felt for him and still do hasn't diminished since the divorce. We have been divorced for over a year and all I can say that I tried moving on but no matter what I do or think, I always come back to thinking about him and the undying love I feel.   I can honestly say that I know what TRUE LOVE is and that is giving your whole heart, the heart of hearts, to that person. That piece of me that I gave him will never be given to anyone else. I already gave it to him.   I think you can love again but not a TRUE TRUE LOVE.  I think what happens is people think once they are divorced they think they will find the next Mr. or Mrs. Right, or the grass is greener on the over side, etc.  What I am finding out during this so called thing called dating is the grass isn't greener and what was RIGHT can't be replaced.  You see I don't think you can replace TRUE LOVE.  I think what gets replaced is a poor imitation copy of what you want.  You wake up one day and realize that you settled for something that isn't TRUE LOVE. 

I look back at our marriage and you know it worked when nobody was messing with it. I really messed up with this marriage.  I take full responsibility for its failure.  You see I let too many people and my pride stand in the way of this marriage being successful.  Yep, we had people always messing with it.  We let other people or I should say, I let other people dictate my relationship with him.  That was so wrong of me.  I didn't fight hard enough for it.  I just gave up to the pressure of family and friends.  I learned a valuable lesson during this year and that is do not let anyone talk you into doing something that you know is wrong. Do not let them dictate how you are going to live your life.  Do not let them take control of your life.  I know from this past year that I will no longer live in fear or repercussions if I don't follow someones advice or do what they want me to do.  It is my life and I am going to live it the way I want to!  Screw everybody else!  They need to worry about their own life and stay out of mine! 

Why am I failing at dating?   You see, I believe you are given one shot at TRUE LOVE.  Once you give your whole heart to that person then no one else will ever have it.  You won't feel the same about love.  Don't get me wrong, I think you can love again but it will be a different kind of love.   I think it will be more of a caring friendship type love. Settling for the person you can live with versus the person you can't live without.  You know after careful consideration, I really don't want to settle.  However, nobody wants to be alone.  I don't. At the moment, I just want my true love back.  Is it possible?  Parts of me wishes it was and give myself hope but I am too much of a realist. Do I deserve another chance at this relationship?  I screwed up!  I don't deserve another chance to make things right.    However,  I would give up my PUG for another chance but you know what (had to put in some humor)? It isn't up to me.  I wish I could go back in time and take away all of our hurts, etc.  However, I can't!  The only thing I can do is pray for guidance and strength to help me sort out all of my feelings and maybe, just maybe eventually move on.

I am a different person now when we were married.  I am much more open, positive, and a heck alot more communicative.  I think I am a better person than what I was a 5 years, 3 years and even a 1 year ago.  I have a lot more compassion and put more thought into my actions.  I try not to hurt people and try to be encouraging to those less fortunate.  However, if he and I didn't divorce I wouldn't be who I am today. I wonder sometimes if this was God's plan.    I just wish he could see the changes in me and give me another shot. Don't worry, I am not about to go throw myself at him or in front of a train.  No, it isn't about pride!  What it is about is giving someone the space to sort through their feelings without any added pressure.  Yes, I have told him how I feel about him.  I really felt relived when I told him.  Now it is up to him to figure it out.  Will I wait around the house, cry, sulk, etc?  No, life goes on and I will go on with it.  No, that doesn't mean I am back out in the dating world.  Nope, it means I will keep doing what I have always been doing.  Working on my house, spending time with the kids, charity work, attending social events ( I do have quite a few of those), etc.

This was a tough blog to write.  I really debated writing it but I had to get these feelings out in the open.  Help myself heal, I guess.  I don't know.  All I know for sure is I want more than anything in the world is for him to be happy.  I know what you thinking what about your happiness?  Well, I am happy with my life.  I have great friends and a family that loves me.  I have my charity work and of course the PUG!  I just hope that if he does find the right girl that she realizes what a gem she has on her hands!  I  finally did but I am a day late and a dollar short as the saying goes!

Getting back to the title of the blog, I could have missed the pain but I didn't want to miss THE DANCE!
Ciao,
Spyderrenee

PS-This is a somewhat sad blog but I still have more dating stories to publish!  I may not be dating at the moment but I do have archives to share!

IS THAT A DEAD CAT ON YOUR HEAD!!!!!!

This blog is dedicated to the men and woman who present themselves under false advertisement on their looks.  So let's begin!!

I was set up on a blind date last week.  I did not see a photo of this person.  I was told he was cute and we would be a good match.  Well, this particular person and I had been texting and talking on the phone.  His voice seemed nice and he seemed intelligent.  I thought why not and meet him for dinner.  We sent a text message describing what we would be wearing, etc.  I arrived a few minutes early and ordered myself a glass of wine.  He arrived 5 minutes late.  First pet peeve!  I really don't like people who are late.  Well, he said he was 5' 10" and average height with brown hair.  So far so good!  What he failed to tell me is his hair was fake.  Yep, he was wearing a really bad toupee!   It was so bad it looked like a dead cat was sitting on his head. I couldn't get past looking at his hair.  I tried so hard not to laugh but what is a girl to do?  Every time he shifted in his seat it seemed like his hair moved as well.  I was thinking did Ron Popeil invent the moving toupee?  Is this a new toupee with the slogan set it and forget it?  It looked like someone had run over a dead cat, removed the guts and sold it as a man's toupee.  Really bad!  His conversations  then proceeded to speak to me about work situations injecting my name in the conversation.  Pet peeve #2.  Don't put my name in your work situations.  How annoying!  He then starts to touch my arm to make a point.  Pet peeve #3.  Don't touch me especially since I keep moving away from you!  Anyway, within 15 minutes of him showing up, I was sending SOS on facebook for any of my friends to call and get me out of this date.  I left my date within an hour of meeting him.  He sends me a text message asking me out again!  The answer is a big HELL NO!

So truth to be told, I pretty much describe myself as average body, blonde hair, hazel eyes, etc.  I am by no means a beauty queen but I am not ugly!  I do think of myself quite cute and sexy!  I am not going to post photos of myself when I was 18 and skinny. Nope, I have had two kids and I have the curves to prove it.  I am proud of those curves!  Why would I want to present myself any other way!  Personally, I think there should be a law against false advertising on dating websites.  Come on, let's be real here!  If you are going to try and find a relationship on a dating website shouldn't the first thing you be honest about is your looks!  Why hid the wrinkles!  It just means you are seasoned and well aged like a great Filet Mignon!

Personally, I feel at my age any man or woman who distort, hide, lie, photo shop, etc their photograph are really not worth your time.  What else are they hiding?  What part of their lives are they trying to deceive you if they can't be honest about their looks!

I think it was Dr. Laura who said, " Beauty fades but dumb is forever!"

Ciao,
Spyderrenee

Only The Lonely..........

Well, I was talking to a few co-workers today and we started discussing 80's songs.  It got me thinking there was some really great depressing love songs.  One song that came to mind was The Motels "Only The Lonely".  I watched the video today and thought to myself this song depicts me to a T! 

I am alone and do think about my past relationships.  I am always constantly wandering what did I do wrong in that relationship.  I sent a message to a previous applicant (yes, I am going to start calling them applicants.  My next blog will be about applying for my job opening) asking specifically what did I do wrong that would make him want to stop calling, texting or even dating me.  The response I got was the standard "It isn't you but me and I am not ready for a relationship, blah blah blah!"  The next guy after him I asked the same thing.  His response was I was not meeting his emotional needs!  Pu-leaze!  Come on!  Not meeting your emotional needs?  What am I suppose to do wipe your nose and make you feel better? I am not your MOMMA or WET NURSE!  So I went down the line and kept asking the same question over and over.  Most were the same response but the common element from all of them was you are such a great terrific woman that you deserve somebody better than me!  WHAT A CROCK OF CRAP!!!!!! Where are my hip waders when I need them. 

It boils down to this:  The real reason why the men stopped dating me is because I am independent, strong willed, passionate about politics, children's rights, helping the less fortunate, don't need a man to come to my rescue, can make a decision, career oriented, responsibilty and most of all too damn SEXY for any of them. As my darling children told me over Christmas break, "Mom, you are MILF!" 

Well, am I lonely?  Nope!  I have great friends and a loving family that supports me in all of my endeavors, well I should say most of them!  I have plenty of things to occupy my time such as remodeling my house, reading, knitting, volunteering, etc.  Read the next statement carefully:

I DON'T NEED A MAN TO TAKE CARE OF OR FULFILL ME!  I WANT A MAN TO COMPLIMENT ME!

Big difference, don't you think!  How many men and women out there are looking for someone to take care of them?  I think the majority and I also think that is why the divorce rate is so high.  We settle for who can take care of business instead of settling for the one that compliments.

Well, this is my last post for the week until the weekend!  Need to get the house ready for the man that will always love me forever; my darling son!

Chow or as someone corrected me CIAO!
Spyderrenee

Romeo and Juliet

Today as I was out running errands, I was thinking what is true love?  Does anyone know what true love is?  Is there a definition out there that everyone uses to figure out if they are really in this "true love" stage.  Truth be told, I don't think so.  I think we all have been lovized by what Hollywood  creates in movies, fairy tales, and romance novels.  Is Romeo and Juliet the definition of True Love.  Killing yourself because you can't have the love of your life! I don't think so!  So let's move on to my definition of love and how the word love has been used in my dating life.

My definition of love used to be Prince Charming would come up on his white horse and sweep me off my feet!  He would tell me that I was the most beautiful woman and he couldn't bear to live without me and he couldn't eat or sleep unless I married him.  Ah!  What a great definition  of love!  Or I should say more like a stupid fantasy created by some false advertising that I seen on TV or read in some book! 

My current definition of love goes like this:
1.  Must have a job
2. Take out the garbage
3. Scrape the snow and ice off my car
4. Hold me when I am feeling down or have a bad day at work
5. Give me a hug and kiss every morning
6. Still want to be with me when I look my worst
7.  Can breathe and move off the couch to get his own food and drink
8.  Likes to spend time with me
9.  Can look me in the eye and say "There is no other!"
10. As much as I want to hear someone say I LOVE YOU, I want to hear I NEED YOU AND WANT YOU!

I was just recently told by one of the Matt's that I am too cautious or reserved.  His comment is based that I am not telling him how I feel.  Truth to be told, I don't know how I feel or maybe I am just to scared to feel in fear of getting hurt.  Or maybe the two times that I was truly in love was all that I am allowed in this life time.  I don't know.  I hope that isn't the case.  I like being in love. I like having the butterflies in the stomach and the sparkle/glow showing on your face.  I think you have a tendency to see things or the world with a different set of eyes when you are in love.  I am so hesitant to take that first step.  The fear of being rejected and cast aside always seems to be in my mind or swirling around in my head. 

Well, Matt #2 is out of the picture.  He turned out to be nothing more than a player.  One of my rules was no players.  It took a couple of dates but I eventually figured out what he wanted and quite honestly I knew on the first date what he wanted.  I wanted to play this out and see who could play who!  Well, I got some flowers, my curtain rods hung up, and a few meals.  What did he get???? Well, let's just say not what he wanted!  Maybe that is why he stopped calling or texting??  Hmmm!  I look at this way:  I am worth the wait and if any man thinks he is going to try the goods before a commitment, he can think again and move on to the next woman who suffers from low self esteem.  This chic is keeping to her standards and will not compromise for nobody!

Looking forward to this weekend!  No, I don't have any dates!  I get to spend time with the only man that I know truly loves me; my son!

Chow,
Spyderrenee

Well, I am almost over you!

Well, I hope everyone had a fantastic Valentine Day!  I know I did!  I was a bit leery doing a Valentine dinner as a second date but hey, what the hell!  It is a meal isn't it.  Two people breaking bread!  My date even bought me flowers!  I was really shocked at that one!  After all, it was only the second date!  He took me to a fairly expensive restaurant so I have to give him extra points for that especially since it wasn't a chain restaurant like Texas Roadhouse!  The mood and atmosphere was really romantic! I can't remember the last time I actually had a romantic dinner!  Enough said!  I will keep you posted if this guy will be the lucky one to capture my heart!

The caption of the is blog is "Well, I am almost over you!".  Sheena Easton sings this song and when I was trying to put my thoughts down about what I wanted to write about, it just came to my mind!  Here is the story:  My #2 EX called me Sunday to invite me to his housewarming party.  Anyway, he stated some mutual work friends would be attending and he thought it would be incredibly rude if he didn't invite me.  Huh?  Rude?  Hello?  What did he think I would find out about the party and get upset?  Anyway, I thought about it for a couple of hours and sent him a text message stating I was declining.  Why was I declining? Truth be told, I still have some very strong feelings for him.  I even told him that in my text message. I guess I shouldn't have said anything but you know I am so tired of pretending.  Isn't that what we all do is pretend our feelings.  I am tired of telling myself I don't care, I don't want him back in my life and most importantly that I don't love him.  Anyway, a few seconds after I sent the message he called me.  We spoke a few moments about the text message and then he invited me out to dinner.  The smart thing would have been to decline but dammit I do miss talking to him so I went.  I have to admit I did have a great time talking to him.  He took me back to his place to show me his new TV.  Which I wonder why take me to your house to show off your new TV.  We watched a little TV and then I decided I needed him to take me home. I got really uncomfortable just being in his home.  I wanted so much to tell him to wake up and smell and the roses and that we should try again but I just didn't have the courage.    In my opinion, I do think my ex wants to give it a try but I think he is struggling as well with his feelings. I guess only time will tell.

When he dropped me at my house, I started to do some hard thinking on why I am so unsuccessful at dating.  Deep down it is because I am comparing all the guys that have asked me out to him. That is not fair to them or fair to me.  I decided that my date for Valentine's Day would get my full attention and I would not start doing the comparison between him and my ex.  I purposely blocked any thoughts of my ex out of head.  I am glad I did because the minute I started looking at my date with open eyes and a open mind things began to get clearer to me.  I was able to look at him and see that he is a good guy and that he does meet my partner criteria.  So, does this mean I am going to give him or I should say "US" a shot!  The jury is still out on that question! Oh, he has some quirks that are bit annoying but I am sure that I have some quirks that annoy him.  I will say this much for him, he is very considerate and thoughtful.  He and I had a discussion about the ex and he is fully aware of my feelings.  His response after the conversation was "I am willing to wait while you sort it out because I know you are an exceptional woman and your ex is the stupidest man alive." How can you not give someone a chance after speaking those words to you!

Update:  The valentine date guy did not work out!  He was just a player! 

I hope everyone has a good weekend.  I know one thing I will not be doing and that is attending a housewarming party. 

Ciao,
Spyderrenee