When you are dating in your teens and 20's you don't necessarily have baggage. What is baggage? No, it isn't a suitcase full of clothes. Baggage is what you get when you leave a relationship with unresolved, hurt feelings, wondering why you broke up in the first place! Baggage just doesn't go away overnight. Nope, it takes time to think and understand what went wrong in the relationship in the first place and how to avoid making the same mistakes again. Do I have baggage? Well, to be truthful-YES! However, my baggage is tucked away up in the attic because I have resolved all the why's, how's, what's, etc. I am ready for a relationship but I will not settle for the first Tom, Dick or Harry that comes along. I want my final and yes, I mean final partner to get to know the real me as much I want to get to know them.
So, let's talk about the few men I have dated with baggage.
I recently went on date with someone that I have been corresponding and talking to on the phone via Eharmony's lovely match up system. Personally, I think Eharmony's matching system is a real joke. Anyway, talk, text, and email we decide to meet. Let's call this guy Jim. We met at in Mahomet at a restaurant called JT Walkers. Great place! Jim looked exactly liked his photo. A+ so far so good. We decide to go upstairs to eat and during the course of picking out our food selection, he starts to mention his ex-wife. Now mind you he had mention her a few times before in email but nothing really bad. Well, all of sudden he let's loose and proceeds to tell me that she had an affair and got pregnant by the other guy 15 years her junior. He didn't love her but I could tell he was really angry. Angry that he put her through school, angry that he helped raised her kids, angry that she ran up the credit cards, angry, angry, angry. Halfway through through the meal, I couldn't take it anymore and asked him how long he had been divorce. He informs me 2 years. Hmmmm. 2 years and you still haven't resolved the issues????? I then explained to him that he was not ready to date and he needed to see a therapist. He was taken aback by my statement and looked at me and then stated " I wonder if that is the reason why I can't get second dates?" Duh! I told him he was a nice guy and that I would go out with him again but he has to work on resolving his baggage. No relationship will grow if you are constantly taking your baggage with you. He appreciated the advice and told me that I was the first person to mention about his angry issues with his ex-wife. He sent me a text on Monday and stated that he had a four conversation with his mother and that he had solved his problems. NOPE! I don't think so! Baggage takes time to resolve! It doesn't go away with the snap of your fingers.
Lesson Learned: Don't waste time trying to fix someone's anger issues. You are not a therapist or their mother! Ask questions before you meet them like "Do you still harbor anger issues towards your EX? Or did your EX get pregnant by another man?"
Another gentleman that I met on another dating site seemed to have everything under control! He was pleasant to talk to on the phone, his text messages were flirty and he told me he had been divorced for three years. We decide to meet for coffee at a local place near my office. We really hit it off so well that we decided to have dinner. We shared a plate of fajitas and basically had some great conversation. He asked for another date and I said yes! I thought there was no mention of the ex wife in any negative ways, etc that maybe just maybe this might have some possibilities. Well, I decided to go out on a limb and have him over for dinner. Dinner was great at my house. He was the perfect gentleman! Well, long story short, we had a few dates and the last time he was over at my house he stated I'll call you later. Great wonderful! We are really hitting it off. Did he call? Nope! So Monday rolls around and I think he is going to call on Monday. Nope. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, nothing! Not even a text message saying I don't want to date you. So yes, I decided to send him a message via Facebook (yes, I broke my rule about befriending people to quickly on facebook). He responds to me stating I am a runner. I am not ready for a relationship. It seems he just got out of a relationship a few weeks before that he had been in for quite some time. Again, we adults break up and think we need to get back on the dating scene ASAP! I also found out later that he had been stalking his ex-girlfriend driving by her house.
Lesson Learn: How long have you been alone and when was your last relationship? Did you break up amicably or are you still stalking your ex in hopes of getting back with them.
Baggage is not something that is easily gotten rid of overnight. Men & Women, please don't start dating until you are actually ready for a relationship. Dating somebody shouldn't be the cure for loneliness. You have to learn to live alone and develop your own interests before you can start another relationship. Rushing into a relationship without understanding who you are, what you want from a partner and most importantly love yourself will do more harm not only to you but to the person who are dating.
Well, this single girl is ready to date, baggage is up in the attic, and most importantly I truly do love who I am and someday hope to find the right man that will love me for me!
Chow!
Spyderrenee
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